Talk at Assumption College

I'd like you to think back to December 25th, 2009. Many of you were celebrating Christmas day. Most of you probably had the day off from work, and were enjoying time with loved ones. My family was. Our Christmas was particularly precious because our 20 year old daughter, Amy, was home with us, for the first time in almost 6 weeks. You see, on November 16th, she brought me to meet her drug counselor, where she admitted that she was a heroin addict, wanted to go to treatment, and would not be able to finish her semester at Boston College. I was shocked. I knew she had experimented, and there was evidence she had used other drugs, but I never thought she abused, and never would I have ever imagined that my daughter would become an addict. She entered detox the Saturday before Thanksgiving, rehab six days later, and a residential treatment house the Monday before Christmas.

We picked her up for a 12 hour pass on Christmas day, took her to the required AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting, retrieved her 90 minutes later, and after dinner at an Indian restaurant, her brother drove her back to her residential treatment house. We had had a picture perfect Christmas. I just wish I had asked the waiter to take a family photo, but didn't think my camera phone would be good enough.

Now, I'd like you to think back to the day after Christmas. It was a Saturday, so maybe you got to sleep in. But many of you were probably heading back to work, or traveling. My husband, Amy's older sister and I, started our annual drive to Western NY to see my folks. Just west of Albany, at 4:36 p.m. the cell phone rang. It was our son. He had just received a call that Amy was found unconscious, with no pulse, and was being taken to the emergency room. We turned around, driving through the mountains in the dark rain as the temperature hovered around freezing. The phone calls became more ominous, until we were told we could not receive any more updates until we arrived at the hospital. When we stopped at the Charlton rest area at 8:16, we called our son, who had driven from Maine with his girlfriend to Falmouth Hospital. He told us: Amy could not make it. She was pronounced her dead at 6pm from an overdose at her treatment facility. The ER had worked on her almost 2 hours and couldn't bring her back from her final speedball. She had allegedly scored drugs during the time of the AA meeting.

Nobody expected this outcome. She wrote in her journal the day before Thanksgiving "I know the real Amy is inside me somewhere and I need to get her back...I'm sick of leading a double life." But further into treatment, she journaled "I feel like the drugs have taken over my soul. What happened to the strong, motivated young woman I was last spring? The impending doom sets in as I realize my disease has never been this bad. I stand today as heroin's puppet, feeling as if every fiber in my being is dull, responding only to the stimulation of potential drug use. But just like they say, you can't scare an addict."

As our family followed Amy's coffin into church for her funeral, it struck me -- what an awful way for her father to walk our daughter down the aisle.

Our first reading -- one of my favorites since I was 13 -- was from the book of Proverbs

12 She brings good, and not evil, all the days of her life.
13 She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands.
14 Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar.
15 She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household.
16 She picks out a field to purchase; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.
18 She enjoys the success of her dealings; at night her lamp is undimmed.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.
20 She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy.
21 She fears not the snow for her household; all her charges are doubly clothed.
22 She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel.
27 She watches the conduct of her household, and eats not her food in idleness.
29 Many are the women of proven worth, but she has excelled them all.
30 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

The next reading was one I found in January, when I looked at the Psalm from the day she died:

5
   Into your hands I commend my spirit; you will redeem me, LORD, faithful God.
7
   I will rejoice and be glad in your love, once you have seen my misery, observed my distress.
8
   You will not abandon me into enemy hands, but will set my feet in a free and open space.
9
   Be gracious to me, LORD, for I am in distress; with grief my eyes are wasted, my soul and body spent.
10
   My life is worn out by sorrow, my years by sighing. My strength fails in affliction; my bones are consumed.
15
   My times are in your hands; rescue me from my enemies, from the hands of my pursuers.
16
   Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your kindness.

These two readings contrast starkly with each other. Proverbs is full of life and optimism, grounded in faith, resonating with the best of Amy. All the references to food and drink, and Amy's favorite color purple, made this reading perfect for her. But Psalm 31 is full of pain and suffering, still grounded in faith, resonating with Amy's darkest moments.

How could such a tragedy have happened to someone who had everything going for her:

she was bright, a junior in the nursing college at BC -- but was also applying her intellect to her addiction behaviors
she had career goals -- but was starting to wonder if as a nurse, the access to drugs would prove too tempting
she was, by most standards, strikingly beautiful -- tall, thin, brilliant blue eyes -- yet she struggled with self esteem
she was an athlete -- but being in such great shape made you think "she couldn't be doing drugs"
she lit up a room with her smile and humor -- but was always concerned about how YOU were doing, and couldn't admit HER need for help
she had SO MANY wonderful friends -- but it only took a few bad ones, and one very bad boyfriend, to drag her down
she had a loving family -- but as they say in Nar-anon "...compulsive use of drugs does not indicate a lack of affection for the family. It is not a matter of love, but of illness."
she entered treatment voluntarily -- but as she said her journal, "that was when the drugs were talking"

We know that Amy started experimenting with marijuana the summer between 9th and 10th grades. Despite numerous therapists for her and our family, she continued experimenting with other substances throughout high school, including cocaine. But we hoped that once in college, she'd "settle down." She claimed to have taken some oxycontin, which led to heroin -- an all too common story -- after all, an Oxy goes for $80 on the street, and a bag of heroin $3-5 -- and without too much effort a dealer will probably let you try it for free.

The summer before she died, Amy took a 3 week microbiology course at BC - she earned an A, scoring 108 on the first test, and "only" 104 on the second. My husband and I looked at each other and said "she can't be messing up THAT badly if she can earn those kinds of grades." Wrong. She was what you call a high-performing addict. At first she had made some bad decisions, then the disease of addiction took over, as she described it "The disease has a strong hold--a white-knuckled fist, fingernails ripping through my skin, prying deeper and deeper into my body. I wonder what I can possibly do to break free from it's [sic] grasp and remember the life I used to love and show up for."

Amy's childhood friend had said "I'll always remember Amy as a smart, beautiful, caring young lady and I'll always be proud to be her friend, and know that whether she knew anyone for five minutes or five years that she most definitely touched their heart." As we took Amy's serenity prayer card http://www.carusos.org/2009/amy2009.html to the stores she frequented near her Cleveland Circle apartment, people remembered "Oh yeah, the tall skinny girl with the blue eyes who was always smiling." Amy, my Red Sox fan, Celtics fan, runner, drummer, baker and soulmate.

Addiction doesn't care if you're from Cambridge or Clinton or Carlisle.
... if your skin is dark naturally, or from tanning.
... if your eyes are earthy brown, or sky blue.
... if your mother has a GED, or a Harvard MBA.
... or if you're flipping burgers at BK, or studying nursing at BC.

Addiction is an equal opportunity disease. "It is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of life. It can be arrested, but never cured." Every day in Massachusetts, opiates -- both prescription and street drugs -- kill 2 people. As one of my students said, "it's all fun and games until someone gets addicted." And when someone becomes addicted, the pain devastates families, and the outcome could be death. As Amy's best friend from high school said, "you're playing with your life." And why was this friend able to draw the line, but Amy wasn't? That's part of what makes this disease so insidious -- even medical professionals aren't always able to recognize those in trouble.

So what can you do? Know your family history. If alcoholism or addiction run in your family -- and it does in most -- you have to be EXTREMELY careful. That said, even if you DON'T have genetic history, that does NOT make you immune. And Educate yourself. Knowledge IS power. Use your knowledge, and the tragedies you've already seen, to talk with younger kids -- BEFORE middle school. I feel so badly for one of Amy's friends, who was new to this country. Amy would sometimes drive her, and say "I'm a better driver when I'm high." Amy brought sketchy guys to her room behind closed doors -- and used a lot of Febreze. It sickens me to think of the danger to which Amy exposed herself and her friend.

So if you are worried about someone, you have some choices. As one of my students, who is a newly minted social worker, said " I think that training and education, along with really simple "caring conversations" can go a long way. That's how lives begin to change." Perhaps you feel that you can get through to someone in trouble. But you run the risk of alienating them, and they may shut you out. Being in a college setting, you might talk with someone in campus ministry or the counseling center to let them know your concerns. Or really, anyone who you think the person would listen to. One of my other students, who is a recent nursing grad, shared

"I personally have not had a struggle with addiction of any type, however have been affected by it. I have had a couple close friends who have struggled with drug and alcohol addictions and also have encountered the topic a great deal within my nursing experience. ) I guess my input is that one should never be afraid to intervene. As a highschooler I was too "afraid" to be "uncool" and speak up to my friends about how I felt regarding their addictions/unwise decisions, or to even tell an adult about it. I just let them live their lives the way they chose to, regretably. ...I realize sometimes people don't want to be helped, but from my own experience I believe intervention is necessary, and the earlier the better, because ... addiction is a very complicated disease. If I had known then what I know now, I wish I would have not kept silent."

But there IS help out there we didn't know about, and there is hope. So I hope you will help anyone with a loved one in trouble to get the treatment they need.

As tragic as Amy's death is, I take comfort in knowing that she is now forever safe with her Creator, and her excruciating pain is over. And we miss her like crazy, and have to make sure her death was not in vain. Please keep telling her story. We cannot lose any more!

Reflection at Assumption College

Melissa Weiksnar